I have to admit—when I first encountered the term “reparenting,” I was utterly confused.
It seemed like yet another trendy catchphrase that I didn’t want to embrace—I attribute that to being an Enneagram 4.
However, one day, it struck me unexpectedly, and I thought, “Ohhhh… THIS is what everyone is discussing when they reference reparenting! I understand now!”
This enlightening realization is what I want to share with you now—what reparenting really means, the reasons you might want to delve into it, and some practical steps to begin your journey!
So, what exactly is reparenting?
In simple terms, reparenting involves giving yourself the emotional nurturing you may not have received during childhood from your guardians.
To dive deeper, we need to explore the foundation: different parenting approaches.
A trending concept in recent years has been conscious parenting. This method emphasizes helping children develop as individuals rather than merely conforming to adult expectations, rules, and behaviors.
The focus of parenting has shifted towards enabling children to recognize, experience, and manage their emotions, rather than dismissing those feelings.
Note: I’m not a parent, but these are my observations regarding the parenting landscape.
As a society, we have started to talk about mental health more freely. It’s now acknowledged that unresolved trauma can lead to detrimental behavior patterns, which can unconsciously be perpetuated from parents to children through generations *generational trauma is a reality.*
Sadly, emotional intelligence and conscious parenting were not typical in the ’80s and ’90s, so millennials usually didn’t encounter this approach from their caregivers *sadly familiar, right?*
Personally, my emotional expressions were often dismissed—being sensitive, I was frequently labeled as “too much” or “overly dramatic.”
I learned that my feelings made others uneasy and that they needed to be fixed. Consequently, I didn’t acquire the skills to validate or manage my emotional experiences properly.
This led to issues such as low self-esteem, harsh self-criticism, and significant dysregulation of my nervous system.
The relationships you establish with your caregivers and how they interact with you significantly impact your personal development. Perhaps you had a parent who excessively criticized you when you got a C in math, made unhelpful comments about your looks or weight, or was emotionally detached when you needed comfort.
Humans learn by observing others. The behaviors we witness are often the ones we emulate.
If your caregivers were critical, that likely shaped how you speak to yourself.
If they didn’t demonstrate how to provide comfort and support, you missed out on learning to provide those for yourself.
Reparenting is about nurturing and teaching yourself those skills as an adult. It’s about giving yourself the support you didn’t receive in your formative years.
Steps to Reparent Yourself
Step 1: Recognizing What You Need
If you’re not accustomed to self-soothing, you might struggle to identify your needs. Understanding what you require is a skill developed over time, so it’s perfectly fine if it feels challenging at the moment. Here are some suggestions to help you gain clarity:
Reflect on the Past
Recall a specific event from childhood where you felt unsupported; what did you genuinely require at that time?
Maybe your mom overlooked your dance recital and never apologized, or you were wrongly accused of breaking a vase, or perhaps you argued with a sibling and your parents sided with them.
If you could return to that moment, how would you assume the role of your caregiver(s)?
What would you say to yourself? What words would you need to hear? How might you want them to react to help you feel better?
Examine Your Present
Consider recent events that have occurred. Perhaps you didn’t get a promotion you desired, a long-time client chose not to renew their contract, or you had yet another disagreement with your partner over household chores.
How would you want a close friend to support you in those situations? What words would provide you comfort?
You can also reverse the scenario—if any of these situations involved your best friend, what advice would you give them?
Contemplating how you’d prefer others to show up for you, or how you instinctively support friends, can spark ideas on how to extend that same care to yourself.
Understanding your love language can also help illuminate how you can effectively meet your emotional requirements.
2. Pay Attention to Your Self-Talk
How do you manage intense emotions? What thoughts and feelings arise during these emotional experiences?
Do you allow these feelings to exist, or do you suppress them, telling yourself you shouldn’t have them?
If you make an error, do you berate yourself, reflect on how foolish you were, and ponder what you would do differently if given the chance?
These moments present prime opportunities to practice reparenting. Instead of adopting the role of a harsh parent, consider how YOU wish to communicate with yourself at that moment.
What would soothe you? What would feel like a warm hug?
Personally, I like to tell myself, “It’s perfectly okay to feel this way,” or “Of course you feel this way; this situation is challenging.” Before shifting into problem-solving, I ensure my inner child understands she’s safe. She’s allowed to feel deeply, and those feelings are not only valid but welcome.
Consciously decide (in advance) how you can nurture yourself through tough emotions and how to foster trust within yourself.
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Initially, reparenting may seem awkward and uncoordinated, much like any newly acquired skill. Patience is key—stay committed! Over time, you’ll find it easier to calm your nervous system, engage in compassionate self-talk, and nurture self-trust. When you can consistently rely on yourself during difficult times, life becomes significantly more manageable.